For parents who've tried it all: punishments, discipline, spanking, even pleading…
Little-known truths (rooted in science) that get loud, disruptive kids to settle down and obey parents out of love and respect
Dear frustrated parent,
I know how you feel.
When you have a child who constantly acts up seemingly for no reason at all:
- You feel like the unluckiest parent in the world. “Why does it have to be MY child who acts like this?!”
- You just want to get the little guy or gal to settle down and understand the wisdom of your words. That you're just trying to help better his future.
- And it seems like no matter what you do to try and fix his or her behavior, he automatically tugs in the opposite direction… unleashing a rampage of foul language, bad behavior, and disrespect.
Well you are NOT alone, because…
Having coached over 350 frustrated parents, bad behavior in children is a lot more common than you may think
My name is Stephanie Anderson, behavioral management coach. As advocates of a kinder, gentler approach to getting young people to respect and obey their elders… my husband and I are certainly not happy that this problem has reached epidemic proportions in America.
BUT you can at least take comfort, knowing that your frustration is shared by many parents (perhaps even a majority these days).
So what are the most common issues behavior management coaches like myself see in families with difficult children?
Here are the most common ones (and why they’re issues):
Major Issue #1: Spanking. Short-term compliance for long-term damage
Imagine if your boss whacked you every time he caught you not doing exactly what you were supposed to at work!
Even if he were in his legal right to do that, you probably wouldn't feel very good about it, would you? Your immediate performance might go up. But would your work performance stay up, or go down in the long term?
This is the number one problem I see with parents trying to control difficult kids. Not only is spanking ineffective, but totally unnecessary, for reasons we'll discuss in just a moment.
Major Issue #2: Heated Reasoning. The message doesn't land
Note that reasoning under heated circumstances is completely different from regular reasoning. Although you may be giving rational advice to your kids, the words lose all meaning when they're being yelled in anger, frustration, or from any negative position.
So if you want to reason with your child, I encourage you to do so in a way they’ll find acceptable to listen to (and once you do that, their little minds suddenly open up!)
Major Issue #3: Misusing progress charts (it’s about tracking, not discipline)
Now this problem is less common than the other two, because we've found that most parents don't track their child's behavioral progress at all! But almost as bad as not logging progress is turning behavioral charting into something that you or the child loathes.
The purpose of tracking, after all, is to help kids and adults see patterns in their behaviors in an effort to help correct them. Not to make anyone feel bad.
Instead of engaging in circular "battles of the will" with your child, it's so much easier and stress-free to collaborate towards better behavior
This is the equivalent of shifting from opposite sides of a negotiation table to side-by-side.
Suddenly, when you start collaborating with your child in a way they appreciate, the child can treat you as a true partner and guide on their road to obedience and good behavior. It's a win-win for everyone.
But is it too late? Has the damage been done already?
"How I wish I could just turn back the clock with my child and start all over again"
The other day my husband and I coached an exasperated mother who couldn't hold back her tears as she told us her story. Her nine-year-old son was getting close to failing out of “regular” elementary school and being sent to an alternative education program as a result of his poor behavior.
"How I wish I could start fresh with Danny!" Lisa said in between tears. "It's not his fault, his father was an alcoholic! But now he just won't listen!"
Family issues arising over alcohol or separation of the parents are never an easy situation.
But even here, along with many other particularly trying circumstances we've encountered in the hundreds of families my husband and I have worked with, I can tell you with confidence that you don't need a time machine to fix the problem. The current situation matters a heck of a lot less than the changes you will implement in the coming months.
"How can you say that with certainty?" you ask. "How can you be so sure that MY situation with MY child is not different from all the rest?"
Well, first and foremost, not one of our hundreds of clients has ever come back to us having failed to turn things around. Not one.
The reason? Not because of any breakthrough technology we employ. Nor is it magic pill thinking.
The real reason our methods have changed so many families for the better, is the sheer simplicity of child behavioral management when done correctly
It all starts with strategic positive reinforcement.
Even the most troublesome of kids secretly want to be praised, to have their good merits pointed out and seen as worthy of attention. This is not just the nature of kids, but of all people.
And through this need we open a doorway into mutual understanding and eventually, better behavior.
The studies are clear: positive/collaborative parenting creates happier, closer-knit families and more academically successful children
And these same studies show that negative reinforcement (a.k.a. catching bad behaviors and punishing them) results in poor outcomes along with more disobedience in the long term.
Now you may have come from a different generation, and grew up under a very different style of parenting. So did we (my husband and I are in our 30s and 40s).
But before we reminisce into our upbringing and how it may or may not have resulted in a good outcome – in our specific situations – I can tell you that right now, today, A LOT of dysfunctions are created as a result of harsh parenting practices. I continue to help untangle them every day.
This is precisely why the culture around discipline has evolved, mind you.
As professional behavior changers, we didn't soften our approach just to be nicer to kids (and parents). But because we've found through years of trial, error, and science, that harsh discipline breeds contempt. It just doesn’t work, ESPECIALLY with unruly kids.
The Defeat Defiance Guide builds parent/child relationships that resemble strong teams working towards a common cause
We are using the team analogy very purposely. Consider the following:
- Teams have a common goal that everyone understands and respects
- Teams work together. They pull in the same direction instead of fighting amongst themselves
- Teams have leaders that guide the strategy as well as the action of the situation
- Team leaders evaluate progress and course correct as necessary
What we do as behavior management coaches working with parents, fits these definitions perfectly.
In the hundreds of families we've coached, we haven't thrown any footballs, but we've certainly helped parents rebuild their relationship with their kids to be more collaborative and goal centered.
The results of such a goal-centered approach speaks for itself:
“…And we are both so much happier!”
My son was so defiant that I actually dreaded my every other weekend visits with him. I was tired and almost ready to give up when I found this guide. Now I have a clear understanding of what it takes to get him to do what I ask. And we are both so much happier!
~ Mark from Florida
“I felt like someone finally understood me…”
Talk about answered prayers! My two children (5 & 7 years old) fought all the time, to the point I had to keep them separated most of the time. Then I found this website and read some of the testimonials. I felt like someone finally understood me. And I was right! I used Defeat Defiance for a month, did one coaching call with Stephanie, and things are 98% better now at home.
~Tia from Georgia
The Defeat Defiance Guide teaches the core principles of parenting difficult kids into respectful, obedient, and ambitious young people
Before we can get our kids to change, we need to change our own mindset for the road ahead. What are the true, tangible goals of parenting? And what is the best path to get there with a difficult child? The Defeat Defiance Guide teaches the proper mindset that gets results without all the fighting you may be experiencing right now.
We cover parenting tricks and techniques that work – as well as those that just create more defiance down the line. In the heat of the moment it's tough to know what things you're doing correctly, that help move your kids in the right direction long term, versus those that get compliance but in a dysfunctional way. Our guide covers both sides, so you can make better decisions under difficult circumstances with ease.
Parenting points of leverage for fresh, new opportunities: Borrowing from the tips and technique section in the last point, we bridge the gap between theory and practice by helping you identify specific things you can do – or that you already do right now – that help build a sense of collaboration and mutual respect with your child.
Parents find this particular exercise to be very helpful in figuring out if they're implementing the system correctly.
The self-reinforcing positive parenting strategy: Imagine if you could make just a few small changes in your parenting, and suddenly your child's progress snowballs with each passing day without your constant intervention (other than a few words of encouragement).
Part of the brilliance of the collaborative parenting style is that it shows you how to start the snowball and enjoy the enormous changes in your child's behavior in as little as a few weeks.
Plotting the full course, start to finish. It's important to define success, and our guide helps you do that. Our final section helps you map your child's progress in a way that not only you and your spouse will look forward to – but also the young one himself.
Become part of our "Parenting For Success" movement and save big on the Defeat Defiance Guide
My husband and I have seen incredible success in the hundreds of clients we've coached. Anger and streams of tears have been replaced by laughter, joy, and renewed ambition... right before our very eyes.
But it's not enough. Old, ineffectual practices of the past continue to create much heartache, and we've decided that enough is enough.
In writing the Defeat Defiance Guide, we decided that it was time to help Americans everywhere get the most up-to-date information on parenting strategies that work.
We call this our "Parenting For Success” movement. And what this means for you -- today -- is a very special price on the Defeat Defiance Guide.
Our guide normally retails for $27, but during the special campaign event, it's yours for only $7 using the discount button on this page:
After your child changes for the better, feel free to pass on the word
Please, try out the guide, see the incredible change it can bring to your family.
And then help us spread the word to your friends, family, and neighbors who may benefit from the powerful lessons of the Defeat Defiance Guide. It will help them, as well as us, as word of mouth is the very best way for our cause to grow.
And at our special promotional price, the cost is a non-issue to almost anyone struggling to get their children to behave.
Your child changes course in 60 days or it's free
The testimonials on this page, as well as our hundreds of satisfied clients are only part of the proof we offer of the effectiveness of our collaborative parenting method in the Defeat Defiance Guide.
But we understand that the greatest barometer of success is your very own. That's why we make the following promise to you. If the Defeat Defiance Guide doesn't revolutionize your relationship with your child, and get him or her to listen to you with the love and respect you deserve – you're not even paying the discount price for our guide. No, it's yours for free.
Simply send us an email to receive your money back in full in the next 60 days. This is our way of standing behind the lessons we teach and showing you that, yes, this guide is for YOU.
A final note from Stephanie, Author of the Defeat Defiance Guide
Would it sound really bad if a behavioral coach admitted that her own child gave her incredible problems early on?
Well in defense of my admission, I should also say that my daughter was at her absolute worst before I built my coaching business with my husband and became trained in this field.
Once we discovered the power of collaborative parenting methods in bridging the differences between parent and child…
As well as seeing the whites of our daughter's eyes light up as we used parenting techniques built on praise and positive reinforcement…
Well, things turned in a very good direction from that point onwards.
We hope you'll find a similar turn in your child's behavior. The Defeat Defiance Guide was the guide we wrote to help your family make that change.
I wish you the best in reconnecting with your child’s inner radiance,
Behavior management coach for parents of unruly kids
Author of the Defeat Defiance Guide